words cannot describe the size of the knot in my stomach. my insides are smothering me. i am terrified of the rest of my life.
i am sorry for seeking happiness.
i am sorry for being happy with someone you don’t approve of.
i am sorry for kissing the wrong person goodnight.
i am sorry there is no way for you to see the dynamics between us.
i am sorry i can’t stop thinking about his graceful hands or graceful face or the way his demons interact with mine.
i am sorry for laying in his bed the last three days and feeling like nothing else outside of the room existed.
i am sorry you don’t like this.
i am sorry for thinking that i deserve this joy.
◍
i’m not really sure if it was a good idea but i kissed a boy today and we cuddled on the couch and took a nap together and uh i finally feel better and not so sad and i want him to kiss my forehead and my jaw all the time and idk i’m so happy today happened i just let myself go like i didn’t need to be anything for anyone we were all just hanging out and being silly and it was the best
does her body fit with yours like mine? does it cradle yours like veins that brush up against flesh, always under the surface? does her skin feel as mine did, so new and astonishing beneath your fingers? do you ever wake up reaching out for her, like you did me? these things, my dove, are catalysts. You and your foolish greed, your volatile quandaries, you’ve given impediment to what could’ve been. “Could” is such a glass word. A word of fragility and artlessness, of candid honesty. And me as such a young woman, marked by my high spirits and enthusiastic love. My passion, my ingenuousness, my wanderlust. You knew me in touches, I knew you in equations. You knew how I felt, trembling beneath you, you knew so well the goosebumps that trickled over my skin when your knuckles brushed me, you predicted every thunder clap that resounded in my spine, caused by that faithless, mindless touch. That touch you gave to me under the charity of circumstance. Now when I am left with nothing but the strings of hollow, selfish love. I am left alone with tmy damaged words and my beatnik heart. The wanderlust that slept in my toes no longer finds a mirror in you, our passion is no longer equal. I dont like the way you left me here, ampersands and ellipses sitting hopeless in my palms.
I am plagued with the thought of his skin. Those kisses, doled out under the pretense of charitable circumstance, they haunt my lips even as I speak. Every touch, even on my wrist or hand, giving my bones that old familiar shake: uncertainty. I had never known a love so small, but so deep, so profound. How can a thing be so grounded? That autumn, when I thought “single” would define me, I was so scared. No one could save me like I Thought I needed. He came so unexpectedly, so abruptly, and left just the same. That first time, when I kissed him in a spark of spontaneity, it was such a monumental thing, it shook me. I asked my self about that present: how wide was it? How deep? How fluid, dreamlike, how easy was it? I was never sure. I knew very little about logic in those first few months.
I know I shouldn’t really be surprised by the amount of misogyny in my school (i live in a small, white, heterosexual, christian town) but sometimes I’ll be sitting at lunch or in class and I’ll hear a comment that literally makes me sick to my stomach. Even yesterday, this girl in my biology class was talking about how this really hot celebrity or something and she said, as she rolled her eyes and gesticulated,
“Ohmygod he is so freaking hot i just want him to rape me please”
and I turned around and gave her this kind of incredulous look, like ‘what the fuck did you just say’ and all I said was “excuse me?” and she smirked at me, and said “um what?” and I said “i know you think this guy’s hot but you definitely don’t want him to rape you. It’s not the word you’re looking for.” and she kind of went silent and I turned back around and when back to my study guide. Again, I know I shouldn’t really be as surprised as I am, but i dunno it just pissed me off.
I’m so angry with him. He doesn’t talk to me for a week, leaving me thinking we’re still together, but then I see on facebook that he’s gone and got another girlfriend? I don’t understand why this is happening. He said he’d love me forever, even if it was just a little part of him. This doesn’t exactly showcase those feelings. I don’t know, I’m too lazy and tired and upset and hurt and unhappy to write anything meaningful right now. I wish there was a way I could express my feelings in a way that someone else could understand. All I know is that I’m exhausted and depressed, and I am nothing more.
this feels like an eternity wrapped in a blanket of snow and this winter isn’t even long, this was the shortest winter i’ve experienced here. It’s unfortunate that I can’t stop being sad, all of these things are unfortunate. I am constantly tired; i slept for twelve hours last night and took a three hour nap and i am still tired. I need something different, i need some sort of change that will wake me up, even a little bit. I have nimble fingers, but I don’t know how to use them. I’m a tired person.
I need to rid myself of the delusion that one day you’re going to come back to me and everything’s going to be the same again.
(Source: caseysdeathblog2)
